I am the chutiya person that I pull cheap shots to attract love or get attention and end up getting irritated or even hating myself.
I wish, I just wish I could move away from the people and things I feel attached to, very easily, so that I don't have to feel so embarrassed and unwanted. And, so that I gain some confidence and not stay dependent.
The thought of being alone shivers me up. But at the same time being co dependent hurts like damnnn!
I want to be that bitch ass attitude person. And then I give too many fucks.
Yeah yeah, I might be over reacting and shit.
But tbh, I need to learn how not to crave for attention because one person or any other person should not be responsible to make me feel loved.
My insecurities take over me so bad that I just, I just stoop down so much so that I forget that I am to be respected and that I should love myself first.
I have so many issues that, no prudent person can deal with.
Idk, this is just the mood swings or frustration of so many days and things. I literally feel this damn unwanted and unloved everywhere I go.
This childhood trauma of wanting love and not being the bad person, has taken over so much so that I keep on trying to get attention feel loved. And be the perfect ass to let people love me.
I have fucked myself in entirety by being such demanding. My mother taught me that nothing is bigger than 'swabhiman'. And my constant need for validation and attention seeking and asking for love or being loved makes me feel like I gave it up long time ago.
And keep on asking from people who should have given it to me rather than me asking for it.
Be it my father, other paternal family. The constant need of being a " Good girl" So that I feel wanted and loved has taken over so much that I became and average person rather than knowing that I have potentials to turn the world around, but I be some mediocre ass looking for validation because I am not confident enough.
Fml, I can't even blame anyone.
I just don't even know how to heal myself. And instead I keep on ranting and becoming a victim to myself and to others.
No body would like such a , clingy, bechari person.
There are people out there who look for a mate with confidence, worthy of herself and strong enough to twist and turn the world around.
Everytime I over react, I tell myself that I need to improve.
That I need not seek validation and not ask for it all the damnn time.
Because me and every other girl who has been deprived of such thing all her life needs to know that I am capable of loving myself. And I don't need to seek validation.
I should learn the damn subtle art of not giving a fuck.
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